I want to find my place.

It's here again. Its name is weekend. It's something that I always really look forward to start and now it's here. And how do I feel? I almost count hours untill it's over.
Or no. I don't, but I feel myself so restles. Maybe it's because lately I have been so busy all the time or at least I have supposed that I should be busy with preparing for the college board. And now when I have weekend+Monday&Tuesday free, I already think how I can make it? How I can be not loosing my mind.
I don't want to be at school, but not at home either. And when someone asks me to come somewhere, I make explanations to be unable to go. I'm not fully satisfied. I wait something to start and still I want to enjoy of this moment that I have now. Every moment is precious, isn't it? I cab't fully agree. I'd like to think that way, but I can't. Have you ever think why people are ever satisfied? Or if someone is, why? Is his life different from those who are not happy most of the time. How someone can reach the feeling, when everything seems to be allright. The moment when you don't want anything more. The moment is perfect. When I'm going to stop to realise that this is my life that I should live. Not always look forward it to start.

When I feel myself down, I go for a walk or I watch a movie. Recently I've found two movies filmed in Africa. " Nowhere in Africa( Jossain Afrikassa) and Disgrace( Häpeäpaalu). I was so happy to see those movies. I feel like I need to know more and more about Africa. I'm not going to tell more about those two movies, but I suggest you to watch them. You who likes historical or romantic movies.
It's good to live in some other's world. That's why I like to watch movies or read books. Talking about books, I so much wait to read the latest book from my favourite author, Cathy Kelly. It's "Homecoming".
Then I can happily read it and imagine world to be a bit better place.

What good have I done today?
 - I gave money for fundrasing of SPR. I know those moneys go for a need. For example to Pakistan.

And now I promise to try to enjoy of my weekend! You too, try to enjoy of it!

I'm happy. Am I?

I'm happy. Am I? I decide to be happy, I try to be happy. I want to be happy.
I'm trying too much. Maybe it's the reason why I don't feel myself happy.
I mean every now and then I can notice that I'm smiling. During those moments life feels good. I feel I can control myself. And then comes the moments when I feel I'm so lost. Why I can't just live a normal life without trying too much all the time.

First day of this month was a special day to me and him (My special one). It was the date that meant us to been togehter already eight months. I can't belive I've been able to be in this relationship. Actually I couldn't imagine me to be in a relationship.My life was so full of thoughts about food, thoughts about getting fat or fair of loosing weight.Yes, at the same time I was afraid to get so big and still I didn't want to loose any kilos. Is my life different now? Am I not thinking eating in a unnormal way? I still have to admit that the relationship of food and me is not normal. And I think it's never even going to be normal. I have given up. But I'm not bitter, I feel much better than at the times I was very sick. I'm much close to be a normal person. I mean normal in the way that comes to eating. And after all, what is even normal? But I know that compared to my family, to my friends or to many other people I love and hate eating at the same time much more than they. Food is too big thing in my life. It was also special day, cause it meant that it's about eight month untill I'm there with him... if everything goes like planned.

And still I see that I'm strong enought to go to Uganda. To go to live with him.
I have no idea for how long time, but I'm sure that I'm going.
Actually I'm not even afraid. Yet. I mean I could be afraid and think that what if we're not going to match together in a real life, but I'm not.
I just want to step on to the red ground of Africa and find out what's going to happen. I'm just stressed. What if I'm not going to pass my exams. Then I need to stay here and do them again. It would be so big disappointment. To me, to my family and to HIM. I would let him down. I try to study and study, but how can I know what is enough.

Here it's fall and in Uganda rainy season is about to start.
We're so close, but so far from each other.