In the world of the written words.

There's something very fascinating in books. Yesterday I stucked on the computer to find some interesting books to read and today after school my way went to the library.
I found many interesting books. Here's some of them:Francesca Marciano -Casa Rossan perilliset( Casa Rossa)and Afrikan taivas (Rules of wild), Elisabeth Adler -Hotelli Riviera (The hotel Riviera), Gil Gourtemanche -Kigalin sunnuntait (Undimanche á la piscine á Kigali and last but not least, Gil McNeil-Oman elämänsä puikoissa (Divas don't knit. My sister says I read rubbish, only some romantic books where's no sense.
My taste of books is quite much only novels. I admit, I really enjoy of reading some love stories, but still I can't stand too typical love stories. From books I find words of normal life. I want to feel the weekdays of leading characters. I want to feel their thoughts. Their emotions. I want to live with their lives.

Last spring when I was going deeper and deeper to my own dark world called depression, I found some comfort from books. No, I didn't find some psychological books but novels. I went around the library with out a clue of the books that could catch my interest, then I saw books of Cahthy Kelly, an Irish writer. "Don't judge a book by it's cover", I thought and borrowed some of her books. Page by page I lost myself into the world of written words. During this spring I wrote Cathy an email just to say those short, but important words "thank you".

In my case depression and reading doesn't suit together. I really have to force me to stop and start reading. I'm restless,I can't be anywhere for long. When I stop to do something, I already think the next thing that I need to do.
I'm a book lover who can't read..So, usually in the evenings before I fall a sleep, I take book to my hands, open it and start to read. Why? Why I can only read in the evenings? I think it's because I think I have anything else to do after it. Anything else than falling a sleep.I'm not feeling well yet. I have to be patient.Can I say I'm okay at the moment when I realise I'm able to read without thinking everything else at the same time? Is it even possible to me anymore? I envy people who says that can relax by reading. I want to say so too and also mean it. I say reading is my hobby, but I don't say it's my hobby only in the evenings. Oh,I would have plenty of time to read during the days, especially during the weekends, but I always fill my days with something else.Then in the end of the day I read untill I'm too tired to concentrate. It usually happens quikly. So, all in all I don't read that much.. and the stack of books near my bed keeps on growing.

Lately I have tried to find books where happens takes place in Africa. I have a passion for Africa. I've never been any country of that fascinating continent, but who knows, maybe someday! I always thought I would not be a person who could live in long distance relationship, but here I am, in love with an Ugandan guy.
Possible or impossible? You decide, but I'm seriously. Never say never.

While starting to write this I listen a song from Phill Collins -Another day in paradise. How good those lyrics are.." He walks on, doesn't look back."
Lately I have thought a lot. Dad has said that my problems comes because I think a way too much everything.Can people think too much? I don't think so. I admit that I think about the past too much. I see it as a good and perfect time when everything was on the control.Was I happy? Yes, I was. Am I happy now? I don't know. At least I try to be. I don't know why,but everythime while looking back to the past, always wistfull feelings fills me and I feel like crying. I don't want to see past as a splendid time, cause it wasn't only it. Times were different, I was a kid head full of silly thoughts.I played,laughed,enjoyed,cried,dreamed and like any kid, I always lived fully the day that I had. Some weeks ago I was invited to a theatre to watch a play where my friend acted. Actually it was more like a play for children. So, there I sat middle of the laughing and crying kids and I couldn't be watching them and their reactions. It was something amazing to see how fully they put their souls into a play! Why I can't be a kid anymore? I asked myself. I would like to feel everything as pure as them. I would like to share that real laugh with them instead of laughing that empty unreal as called laugh. There I sat watching the play with a mixed feelings. I didn't know should I laugh or cry..Somehow it was just so weird.I remember the girl who I was as a kid. The girl who had her hair cut short, the girl who used flower printed dresses. The girl who was full of LIFE! And who is the girl who reminisced that girl now after passed years. It's me, Miss insensitive.

I would not like to look back and fill myself with feelings and memories that I see too good. Also I would not like to look back and see who I was last spring. I'm brave and I look back. Okay, I do it all the time, but usually I only want to see good things. So,I travel back to the last spring, to the time when I had no meaning in my life.It's difficult to describe it to the people who haven't been depressed.It's something that is not easy to imagine.In short words it's a dark and empty space where you fall deeper and deeper if you don't have strengts to fight against."Welcome, I hope you stay here for long", says depression.
Some weeks ago I sat in my room and I realised that I can't feel it anymore..I can't feel the endless hopeless, I can't feel the meaningless that has haunted me god knows how long.I didn't want to jump high and shout "I'm free".No, I din't want to do it, cause I feel it. I feel that this is not over yet. Sure I would like to start to live again and be not afraid, but something still keeps me. I still have days when there's any meaning in my life. Those days are days when everything goes wrong and I would just like to stay at home and cover me with a blanket that no one could see me. It's so easy to live in my safe life that includes me,me,me, sick thoughts about eating,me,me and tries to find the meaning of life. Proudly I can look back and notice those days are not many. It's just so scary to let it all go. What I have to put their place? I need to find out.. I always have kinda hated the this sentence, "Life is an adventury". Somehow it has been so clishé and I hate clishés. A bit weird, cause I love quotes and all kind of philosophical phrases. All in all, maybe I haven't seen life as an adventury. Maybe that's why I have kinda hated to imagine life as an adventures. Adventures should be exciting and funny, don't you think? And here comes another clishé from my mouth: Life can be an adventure. I just have to believe it.

Often while watching TV or movies I start to feel good. Maybe that's why I always need to record my favourite series and maybe that's why I always feel comfortable when I sit on the bank of movie theatre. I want to live with the movie and imagine my life as a movie. Why everything always looks so easy in the films. Lovestories, promlems that are made to solve. As sad as it is, I think I somehow through movies want to get some content to my life. I should me more critical and realise that real life is not like in movies. Just think about Samantha,Carrie,Charlotte and Miranda and their amazing friendship? Is there really a friendship like that in our world?
Sorry, but I can't do anything else than to doubt. Tell me if you really have a frienships like it. I'd love to hear! After all, maybe I should not doubt it.. Who says there's only love stories in the books and movies? For a big surprise I find myself living in my own love story. Everything can happen! Hmm, that's was one clishé again..and about my love story, more is coming.

Untill the next time.

Maher Zain - Open Your Eyes

Hey everyone. After a long while I finally decided to create my own blog. Long time I have just admired other people's blogs. Oh, there's so many lovely of them!
I feel like I want to share piece of my life with you. You, I don't know who you, but I hope that my blog could collect its own readers.
I can say this is going to be a miscellaneous blog. One day I can type something with a smile on my face and head full of dreams and other days my text might be full of hopeless. After all, it's what we people are: Unsteady.
Anyway,welcome here!