Is it here again? Christmas.

Am I horrible, if I say that Christmas doesn't mean lovely time with family to me? I'm okay fith the three weeks holiday, but I don't know how I can manage to live those weeks with my family.
It's been like this for a long time; I would so much like to start to live alone. I feel like I'm stuck in here and I just can't breath. No moments when I could be home alone. Always here's someone around.
It's not that I don't appreciate my family but it's a deep feeling inside me that I can't be here anymore.
I would give anything to be able to move away. Yes, maybe I sound like a horrible teenager, who says she hates her family and can't stand them. Maybe I don't fully know myself, but I can say I know it's a need to start an independent life. It's a step that I want to take..and a step that I can' take quite yet, because I couldn't be financially independent. I remind myself about the fact that if everything goes well, I'm going to be far away from here. I'm going to be with my loved one. I'm going to sense the African heath and the African way of living. I'm going to be so lost middle of the strange country, but maybe I'm going to find myself with the man that I love. I could be afraid, but I am not. I'm looking forward to it. What it's going to be like to see him for a first time. Share everything, every minute with him. I'm going to find out.

Now I'm still Finland, here in my snowy and cold little village. I think it's beautiful out there. All is white!
And shops full of people trying to find presents to each other. It really makes me to think..why? Why by buying we have to show that we care. Is it really caring? Me too, I buy some presents and each year I notice how silly it is. This year I bought almost all the presents from flea markets. Makes me feel a bit less bad.
Am I a person who hates Christmas? Maybe not. But one is sure, it's not so lovely time for me. Not my favourite. It's something fake, something when people acts to be so happy. Special time with the family.And it all end to arguing. I'm sorry if I kill your Christmas mood.

wake me up when this day is over..

I haven't heard from him for a while. From my beloved one. I don't know how I feel. It's this, I live two different lives. One is my very normal good-girl life in Finland and other is my life in Africa with my boy that is still waiting me. Sometimes I wonder is this me who is living these lives. Sometimes I feel quilty if I haven't thought much about him. But how could I think him so much when I'm not with him there. I mean somehow it's good that I can live my life here, cause things are how they are and I can't be there with him. Yet.
But am I unfeeling? During dark years that I have went thru, have I lost my feelings? I want to feel fully. I want to feel love, joy, sadness, craziness. I want to feel! Is it so difficult? I know, I should be proud of myself. I do feel more than sometime ago. I have to realise that my direction is right. I'm going to the light. But I so much would already like to be there.

This day has been horrible. I hate to say it. I would like my days always be happy happy happy. It's not even possible. But I don't like to waste my time. And still, I waste time all the time by worrying and waiting something. I can't live in this moment. But trully, this day hasn't been good. I don't know why. I think nothing special hasn't even happened. It just that I become so angry. I was so deep somewhere in my thoughts that I didn't even concentrate on driving car well. Brakes.. I really needed them when I realised how near it was that I didn't drove over a person that was crossing the road.

Maybe it's better just to wait that this day is over. But I need to stop it. I need to stop always waiting something.

I want to find my place.

It's here again. Its name is weekend. It's something that I always really look forward to start and now it's here. And how do I feel? I almost count hours untill it's over.
Or no. I don't, but I feel myself so restles. Maybe it's because lately I have been so busy all the time or at least I have supposed that I should be busy with preparing for the college board. And now when I have weekend+Monday&Tuesday free, I already think how I can make it? How I can be not loosing my mind.
I don't want to be at school, but not at home either. And when someone asks me to come somewhere, I make explanations to be unable to go. I'm not fully satisfied. I wait something to start and still I want to enjoy of this moment that I have now. Every moment is precious, isn't it? I cab't fully agree. I'd like to think that way, but I can't. Have you ever think why people are ever satisfied? Or if someone is, why? Is his life different from those who are not happy most of the time. How someone can reach the feeling, when everything seems to be allright. The moment when you don't want anything more. The moment is perfect. When I'm going to stop to realise that this is my life that I should live. Not always look forward it to start.

When I feel myself down, I go for a walk or I watch a movie. Recently I've found two movies filmed in Africa. " Nowhere in Africa( Jossain Afrikassa) and Disgrace( Häpeäpaalu). I was so happy to see those movies. I feel like I need to know more and more about Africa. I'm not going to tell more about those two movies, but I suggest you to watch them. You who likes historical or romantic movies.
It's good to live in some other's world. That's why I like to watch movies or read books. Talking about books, I so much wait to read the latest book from my favourite author, Cathy Kelly. It's "Homecoming".
Then I can happily read it and imagine world to be a bit better place.

What good have I done today?
 - I gave money for fundrasing of SPR. I know those moneys go for a need. For example to Pakistan.

And now I promise to try to enjoy of my weekend! You too, try to enjoy of it!

I'm happy. Am I?

I'm happy. Am I? I decide to be happy, I try to be happy. I want to be happy.
I'm trying too much. Maybe it's the reason why I don't feel myself happy.
I mean every now and then I can notice that I'm smiling. During those moments life feels good. I feel I can control myself. And then comes the moments when I feel I'm so lost. Why I can't just live a normal life without trying too much all the time.

First day of this month was a special day to me and him (My special one). It was the date that meant us to been togehter already eight months. I can't belive I've been able to be in this relationship. Actually I couldn't imagine me to be in a relationship.My life was so full of thoughts about food, thoughts about getting fat or fair of loosing weight.Yes, at the same time I was afraid to get so big and still I didn't want to loose any kilos. Is my life different now? Am I not thinking eating in a unnormal way? I still have to admit that the relationship of food and me is not normal. And I think it's never even going to be normal. I have given up. But I'm not bitter, I feel much better than at the times I was very sick. I'm much close to be a normal person. I mean normal in the way that comes to eating. And after all, what is even normal? But I know that compared to my family, to my friends or to many other people I love and hate eating at the same time much more than they. Food is too big thing in my life. It was also special day, cause it meant that it's about eight month untill I'm there with him... if everything goes like planned.

And still I see that I'm strong enought to go to Uganda. To go to live with him.
I have no idea for how long time, but I'm sure that I'm going.
Actually I'm not even afraid. Yet. I mean I could be afraid and think that what if we're not going to match together in a real life, but I'm not.
I just want to step on to the red ground of Africa and find out what's going to happen. I'm just stressed. What if I'm not going to pass my exams. Then I need to stay here and do them again. It would be so big disappointment. To me, to my family and to HIM. I would let him down. I try to study and study, but how can I know what is enough.

Here it's fall and in Uganda rainy season is about to start.
We're so close, but so far from each other.

"I'm like a bird"

Time flies.. does it?
Yes! It flies like a bird that is busy to fly to the warm continent,like a bird that wants to escape the cold winter. I want to be a bird. I want to fly without worries.
At the moment I'm busy with studies. I need to be hard working, cause I need to pass my college board. On the other way I'm not able to go..to the warm, to finally see my beloved. It's the bitter reality that I need to face. If I faill, I need to do the resit. It's like a vicious circle. I know I need to study, but I'm so stressed and over so big pressures that it's difficult to concentrate. With shaking hands I try.I try to close myself from the other world and just read and read. I only do it because of one reason. Only, cause I can't be not seeing him any longer. Yes, we are still together, almost since 7 months. I still can't realise it. Is it my life that I'm living? Not that it would be like a sweet dream, it's far from it, but that it's me who have found a special person.

Summer passed over far too quickly, as always. Somehow I still can't be not thinking it as a good thing. When something is limited, of course it's more precious. You can't have it always. That's why people are so much happier and that's what I like.
Quite funny actually, cause I'm not that different during the summer time. Or maybe I may, cause then I don't have any stress from school. I can't handle stress at all. I'm so weak, when I have stress ,I'm like I never could have been able to control myself. But I can happily say this has been a good summer. One by one summers are going to be real, good summers to me. Slowly I learn how to live without it always with me.Without anorexia. Three weeks that I spent in Germany as a voluntary worker were three, good week! I'm proud of myself. Three weeks is the longest time that I've ever been away from home. And yes, I went there without knowing anyone beforhand. I'm not the same person that I was before going there. There's a girl before Germany and girl after Germany and still I'm exactly the same girl that I used to be before. I trust more to myself! Now I believe a bit more that I'm good in the way I am. After all I'm always going to be a shy Finnish girl, but it doesn't matter. When you go to spend three weeks with new people, you can be what you are or what you want to be. No one knows you before! That's what I like.
Long time I wanted to go abroad. First as a exchange student, then to language course, untill it came to my mind, to volunteer. I really recommend it, maybe not to everyone, but for those who wants to get special experiemences.

Maybe the fall makes us to become depressed..maybe we would like to have summer forever. I want to avoid thinking like that. I want to find the positive, nice things. Think about the beautiful evenings,when it's cool outdoor and you want to go for a walk. What a perfect moment to do it! Or imagine that cute and warm jacket that you saw at the store. Now it starts to be the right moment to buy it!
And books, hot chocolate&tea, TV and movie- nights, being with family.. list would goes on. So, here you see, the fall is not that bad at all.
And if you are every now and then a bit sad, it's also fully allright.

Soulmate to everyone..

Dreams, dreams..dreams are made to come true. All of them? Who knows, we just have to find out.

Usually I dream quite much, sometimes a way too much. On the other way, can anyone dream too much? I see dreams only as a good thing. It's good to have something to dream about. It's good to have something to wait. Something to fight for.
By dreaming we have a meaning. It's always sad to hear about people who don't dream at all. I think it tells a lot about them and their attitudes of life.
Couple days ago I talked with my granny.It was a short, but weird moment. We usually don't talk about anything very deep. I don't know what happened, but I found myself telling her about my feelings. " I'm always looking forward something else. I can't live fully in this moment", I told her. A woman who has seen life many, many years more than me answered that it's life. It's always going to be like that. Should I believe her, over 80 years old woman and acquiesce to the reality? Am I always going to live like I'm not happy in this moment I have? Can't I ever be happy without waiting something else to happen? I could fill my head with this questions and try to find smart answeres to them. However, I decided to let it be.

Maybe I'm still just a silly, naive girl who lives in her dreams. Hmm, it just doesn't feel like it. I have dreams, but I don't live in them. My days are still struggling. Big part of my life is still trying to find the meaning and the meaningfullness of doing things. Why it has to be so hard? At the same time I feel good. Not for a long time, but every time I think of it: My dreams to go to Africa and to meet my love in a real life. We've been together four months now. This is my first relationship. "Relationship?", ask people. "How you can be in relationship with a person you have ever met?" I don't know how I can? Maybe just because I feel this is the right way.It may sounds clishé, but it doesn't matter.
I know people keeps telling me about the cultural differences and the distance between us. People always find ways to see the negative sides of things. I could do with some support, but it seems that I'm not going to get it much. No, I'm not bitter. This is my life and it's been surprising to notice how strong I am when it comes to things that I believe in. On the other ways I'm not strong at all. I'm weak. I have no strenghts to do something to things in current part of my life.
I admit I'm not in the balance yet. I'm still powerless. I admit that I'm a questionmark. Have I done a too big decission when I have started this relationship? Should I just give myself more time and wait that I'm fully healt? Those are the questions that I'm keep asking myself. And always I realise I couldn't just wait.
I know it, I'm never going to be back to normal, but this is who I am now. I have to live with me."There is a soulmate to to everyone", do you believe in it? So, should I have just walked away and escape my feelings?

In the world of the written words.

There's something very fascinating in books. Yesterday I stucked on the computer to find some interesting books to read and today after school my way went to the library.
I found many interesting books. Here's some of them:Francesca Marciano -Casa Rossan perilliset( Casa Rossa)and Afrikan taivas (Rules of wild), Elisabeth Adler -Hotelli Riviera (The hotel Riviera), Gil Gourtemanche -Kigalin sunnuntait (Undimanche á la piscine á Kigali and last but not least, Gil McNeil-Oman elämänsä puikoissa (Divas don't knit. My sister says I read rubbish, only some romantic books where's no sense.
My taste of books is quite much only novels. I admit, I really enjoy of reading some love stories, but still I can't stand too typical love stories. From books I find words of normal life. I want to feel the weekdays of leading characters. I want to feel their thoughts. Their emotions. I want to live with their lives.

Last spring when I was going deeper and deeper to my own dark world called depression, I found some comfort from books. No, I didn't find some psychological books but novels. I went around the library with out a clue of the books that could catch my interest, then I saw books of Cahthy Kelly, an Irish writer. "Don't judge a book by it's cover", I thought and borrowed some of her books. Page by page I lost myself into the world of written words. During this spring I wrote Cathy an email just to say those short, but important words "thank you".

In my case depression and reading doesn't suit together. I really have to force me to stop and start reading. I'm restless,I can't be anywhere for long. When I stop to do something, I already think the next thing that I need to do.
I'm a book lover who can't read..So, usually in the evenings before I fall a sleep, I take book to my hands, open it and start to read. Why? Why I can only read in the evenings? I think it's because I think I have anything else to do after it. Anything else than falling a sleep.I'm not feeling well yet. I have to be patient.Can I say I'm okay at the moment when I realise I'm able to read without thinking everything else at the same time? Is it even possible to me anymore? I envy people who says that can relax by reading. I want to say so too and also mean it. I say reading is my hobby, but I don't say it's my hobby only in the evenings. Oh,I would have plenty of time to read during the days, especially during the weekends, but I always fill my days with something else.Then in the end of the day I read untill I'm too tired to concentrate. It usually happens quikly. So, all in all I don't read that much.. and the stack of books near my bed keeps on growing.

Lately I have tried to find books where happens takes place in Africa. I have a passion for Africa. I've never been any country of that fascinating continent, but who knows, maybe someday! I always thought I would not be a person who could live in long distance relationship, but here I am, in love with an Ugandan guy.
Possible or impossible? You decide, but I'm seriously. Never say never.