wake me up when this day is over..

I haven't heard from him for a while. From my beloved one. I don't know how I feel. It's this, I live two different lives. One is my very normal good-girl life in Finland and other is my life in Africa with my boy that is still waiting me. Sometimes I wonder is this me who is living these lives. Sometimes I feel quilty if I haven't thought much about him. But how could I think him so much when I'm not with him there. I mean somehow it's good that I can live my life here, cause things are how they are and I can't be there with him. Yet.
But am I unfeeling? During dark years that I have went thru, have I lost my feelings? I want to feel fully. I want to feel love, joy, sadness, craziness. I want to feel! Is it so difficult? I know, I should be proud of myself. I do feel more than sometime ago. I have to realise that my direction is right. I'm going to the light. But I so much would already like to be there.

This day has been horrible. I hate to say it. I would like my days always be happy happy happy. It's not even possible. But I don't like to waste my time. And still, I waste time all the time by worrying and waiting something. I can't live in this moment. But trully, this day hasn't been good. I don't know why. I think nothing special hasn't even happened. It just that I become so angry. I was so deep somewhere in my thoughts that I didn't even concentrate on driving car well. Brakes.. I really needed them when I realised how near it was that I didn't drove over a person that was crossing the road.

Maybe it's better just to wait that this day is over. But I need to stop it. I need to stop always waiting something.