I'm happy. Am I?

I'm happy. Am I? I decide to be happy, I try to be happy. I want to be happy.
I'm trying too much. Maybe it's the reason why I don't feel myself happy.
I mean every now and then I can notice that I'm smiling. During those moments life feels good. I feel I can control myself. And then comes the moments when I feel I'm so lost. Why I can't just live a normal life without trying too much all the time.

First day of this month was a special day to me and him (My special one). It was the date that meant us to been togehter already eight months. I can't belive I've been able to be in this relationship. Actually I couldn't imagine me to be in a relationship.My life was so full of thoughts about food, thoughts about getting fat or fair of loosing weight.Yes, at the same time I was afraid to get so big and still I didn't want to loose any kilos. Is my life different now? Am I not thinking eating in a unnormal way? I still have to admit that the relationship of food and me is not normal. And I think it's never even going to be normal. I have given up. But I'm not bitter, I feel much better than at the times I was very sick. I'm much close to be a normal person. I mean normal in the way that comes to eating. And after all, what is even normal? But I know that compared to my family, to my friends or to many other people I love and hate eating at the same time much more than they. Food is too big thing in my life. It was also special day, cause it meant that it's about eight month untill I'm there with him... if everything goes like planned.

And still I see that I'm strong enought to go to Uganda. To go to live with him.
I have no idea for how long time, but I'm sure that I'm going.
Actually I'm not even afraid. Yet. I mean I could be afraid and think that what if we're not going to match together in a real life, but I'm not.
I just want to step on to the red ground of Africa and find out what's going to happen. I'm just stressed. What if I'm not going to pass my exams. Then I need to stay here and do them again. It would be so big disappointment. To me, to my family and to HIM. I would let him down. I try to study and study, but how can I know what is enough.

Here it's fall and in Uganda rainy season is about to start.
We're so close, but so far from each other.