Is it here again? Christmas.

Am I horrible, if I say that Christmas doesn't mean lovely time with family to me? I'm okay fith the three weeks holiday, but I don't know how I can manage to live those weeks with my family.
It's been like this for a long time; I would so much like to start to live alone. I feel like I'm stuck in here and I just can't breath. No moments when I could be home alone. Always here's someone around.
It's not that I don't appreciate my family but it's a deep feeling inside me that I can't be here anymore.
I would give anything to be able to move away. Yes, maybe I sound like a horrible teenager, who says she hates her family and can't stand them. Maybe I don't fully know myself, but I can say I know it's a need to start an independent life. It's a step that I want to take..and a step that I can' take quite yet, because I couldn't be financially independent. I remind myself about the fact that if everything goes well, I'm going to be far away from here. I'm going to be with my loved one. I'm going to sense the African heath and the African way of living. I'm going to be so lost middle of the strange country, but maybe I'm going to find myself with the man that I love. I could be afraid, but I am not. I'm looking forward to it. What it's going to be like to see him for a first time. Share everything, every minute with him. I'm going to find out.

Now I'm still Finland, here in my snowy and cold little village. I think it's beautiful out there. All is white!
And shops full of people trying to find presents to each other. It really makes me to think..why? Why by buying we have to show that we care. Is it really caring? Me too, I buy some presents and each year I notice how silly it is. This year I bought almost all the presents from flea markets. Makes me feel a bit less bad.
Am I a person who hates Christmas? Maybe not. But one is sure, it's not so lovely time for me. Not my favourite. It's something fake, something when people acts to be so happy. Special time with the family.And it all end to arguing. I'm sorry if I kill your Christmas mood.