While starting to write this I listen a song from Phill Collins -Another day in paradise. How good those lyrics are.." He walks on, doesn't look back."
Lately I have thought a lot. Dad has said that my problems comes because I think a way too much everything.Can people think too much? I don't think so. I admit that I think about the past too much. I see it as a good and perfect time when everything was on the control.Was I happy? Yes, I was. Am I happy now? I don't know. At least I try to be. I don't know why,but everythime while looking back to the past, always wistfull feelings fills me and I feel like crying. I don't want to see past as a splendid time, cause it wasn't only it. Times were different, I was a kid head full of silly thoughts.I played,laughed,enjoyed,cried,dreamed and like any kid, I always lived fully the day that I had. Some weeks ago I was invited to a theatre to watch a play where my friend acted. Actually it was more like a play for children. So, there I sat middle of the laughing and crying kids and I couldn't be watching them and their reactions. It was something amazing to see how fully they put their souls into a play! Why I can't be a kid anymore? I asked myself. I would like to feel everything as pure as them. I would like to share that real laugh with them instead of laughing that empty unreal as called laugh. There I sat watching the play with a mixed feelings. I didn't know should I laugh or cry..Somehow it was just so weird.I remember the girl who I was as a kid. The girl who had her hair cut short, the girl who used flower printed dresses. The girl who was full of LIFE! And who is the girl who reminisced that girl now after passed years. It's me, Miss insensitive.

I would not like to look back and fill myself with feelings and memories that I see too good. Also I would not like to look back and see who I was last spring. I'm brave and I look back. Okay, I do it all the time, but usually I only want to see good things. So,I travel back to the last spring, to the time when I had no meaning in my life.It's difficult to describe it to the people who haven't been depressed.It's something that is not easy to imagine.In short words it's a dark and empty space where you fall deeper and deeper if you don't have strengts to fight against."Welcome, I hope you stay here for long", says depression.
Some weeks ago I sat in my room and I realised that I can't feel it anymore..I can't feel the endless hopeless, I can't feel the meaningless that has haunted me god knows how long.I didn't want to jump high and shout "I'm free".No, I din't want to do it, cause I feel it. I feel that this is not over yet. Sure I would like to start to live again and be not afraid, but something still keeps me. I still have days when there's any meaning in my life. Those days are days when everything goes wrong and I would just like to stay at home and cover me with a blanket that no one could see me. It's so easy to live in my safe life that includes me,me,me, sick thoughts about eating,me,me and tries to find the meaning of life. Proudly I can look back and notice those days are not many. It's just so scary to let it all go. What I have to put their place? I need to find out.. I always have kinda hated the this sentence, "Life is an adventury". Somehow it has been so clishé and I hate clishés. A bit weird, cause I love quotes and all kind of philosophical phrases. All in all, maybe I haven't seen life as an adventury. Maybe that's why I have kinda hated to imagine life as an adventures. Adventures should be exciting and funny, don't you think? And here comes another clishé from my mouth: Life can be an adventure. I just have to believe it.

Often while watching TV or movies I start to feel good. Maybe that's why I always need to record my favourite series and maybe that's why I always feel comfortable when I sit on the bank of movie theatre. I want to live with the movie and imagine my life as a movie. Why everything always looks so easy in the films. Lovestories, promlems that are made to solve. As sad as it is, I think I somehow through movies want to get some content to my life. I should me more critical and realise that real life is not like in movies. Just think about Samantha,Carrie,Charlotte and Miranda and their amazing friendship? Is there really a friendship like that in our world?
Sorry, but I can't do anything else than to doubt. Tell me if you really have a frienships like it. I'd love to hear! After all, maybe I should not doubt it.. Who says there's only love stories in the books and movies? For a big surprise I find myself living in my own love story. Everything can happen! Hmm, that's was one clishé again..and about my love story, more is coming.

Untill the next time.